In college my best friend, Suzanne, and I had a saying. Instead of asking ‘why?’ we asked ourselves ‘why not?’ This perspective landed us right in the middle of all kinds of adventures, including (but not limited to) driving to Niagara Falls from Oklahoma in four days and back, interning in Amman, Jordan our senior year, and reuniting in the Leonardo da Vinci airport in Rome after nearly a year apart.
But this ‘why not?’ mentality goes much deeper than the spontaneous travels of young twenty-somethings. If you ask anyone in my family they will tell you that my willingness, no my desire, to do seemingly unusual things is something that can be a little hard to understand. For the past ten years, my desire has been to live and work in the developing world. I realized that dream went I moved to India at the age of 22, and when I met someone (aka Jared) who shared these dreams I never imagined we would do anything different.
I never questioned this was what God wanted us to do with our lives. Not that He ever told me in an audible voice, but it just made sense. All evidence pointed towards this plan coming to fruition. All the pieces were there. At least they seemed to be.
Recently, our plans have changed. We’re not necessarily closing the door on international work for good, but we’re not going to the particular place or doing the particular jobs we’ve been working towards for the past two years.
I’m sure you’re wondering what happened, but it’s really hard to explain. Also, I’m not certain this is quite the forum to bare all–what I can say is that it’s nothing bad. In fact, I am certain this is the right decision. It is difficult for my heart though. You might think someone like me would handle change better. In some ways I do. I am ok with moving, with starting fresh in new places, with having something different for dinner……but when it comes to my goals…..it’s a whole different story.
This time has been very revealing in so many ways. I feel as though a bright light has been shined on my heart and the good, bad, and ugly is right out there in the open. You may think, what’s the big deal? Plans change all the time. Most of us envisioned doing some things in our lives that we’re not necessarily doing right now.
I know my situation is far from unique, but for some reason this has not been an easy change. I do believe, however, that it is a God-given change and it would be a shame for me not to share some of the things I’ve learned.
First, interrupted plans can easily show us where our treasure lies. If you are a Christian, like me, your treasure should be in heaven. Naturally, that doesn’t mean we can’t have hopes and aspirations for our lives here, but those things will never be ultimately fulfilling. The book of James admonishes believers who casually (or maybe intentionally) discuss their plans without acknowledging the uncertainty of tomorrow. Our certainty comes from forgiveness in Christ alone. Nothing else is permanent or trustworthy. In my case, too much of my identity was wrapped up in my plans. I blazed towards my goal with little regard for how uncertain things really were. I thought if we were committed enough we would get there eventually.
Second, interrupted plans can often reveal a narrow focus of who God is and what He can do. I’ll admit when our plans changed my initial thought was , ‘What was the point of everything we’ve worked for if this isn’t going to happen now?’ I reduced everything into one particular path. But God delights in the seemingly impossible, and I now see that all our efforts were not wasted, but perhaps there is a greater, more comprehensive plan than the one we originally had. I know that will become even more clear as time goes on.
Third, interrupted plans often reveal selfishness in the heart. Rather than enjoy my life here I was tempted to lament over the life I ‘really wanted.’ But the truth is that I do love my life here and am thankful for all that God has done in our lives since we came to Raleigh. I am thankful for my job and all that it has taught me about service too.
Fourth, interrupted plans reveal conflicted emotions. True, some of my desires were selfish and warped, but there were also good, God-given desires in the mix too. I’ve learned that it’s ok to be sad for a little while. Lots of caring and wise people have encouraged me in this. Although God may have ‘another plan,’ and there is plenty I can do ‘right here’ I am still sad to lose this particular dream and that is not necessarily a bad thing.
Ok…so that’s what I’ve learned from our recent change of plans. I hope some of those thoughts are helpful to others who may struggle with something similar. It has gotten much easier and it’s exciting to think about other possibilites.
For now though, Raleigh is our home and we love it.
